ARRGGHHH!!

no time left... i've GOT to STOP this... my assignments are suffering... T.T

it's not that i don't want to stop thinking bout them.. but i juz can't... seeing either one of them contacting d other triggers a chain reaction that causes me to breakdown...

i hate hate HATE me breaking down... HATE feeling so weak...

and here i am wasting my time typing this out instead of doing my soon to be due assignments... sheesh.....

it has been getting worse... cried nearly every night since tuesday... partly due to a few reasons...

1) final assignment got rejected- well i KNEW it was coming but i HOPED that it would not... hav to redo it... f***ing animation... hate it soooo much....
2) 'he' was performing for his assessment on tuesday- well... d acting n dancing was ok... but d singing...well... erm... let's juz say he should leave it to me =P (ok that's not d point...) he sang sammi cheng's '舍不得你'... so.... guess my feelings? oh n not to mention d fact that his 'other half' was there... waiting for him to finish n hav dinner i suppose... sigh....
3) PMS- need i say more?

*sigh*

i seriously need help....

thx to a certain individual who wasted his time listening to me n hearing me cry n rant n rave... really appreciate it... =')

*sigh*

well i guess it's back to those damn assignments....

p.s- found out that it takes around 50-60 sleeping pills to kill oneself... erm...nope i haven't tried it out yet.... and...dun worry i won't try it... (for now)

*sigh*

-----end of post-----

心情一团糟。。。

其实没什么的。。。 真的没什么。。。
你们要求我的原谅，我都肯给。。 我都已经给。。。
你们要求的祝福，我也都给了。。
我还笨笨的安慰你们--- “没有啦~我没有躲避你们啦。。 我没有对你们冷淡。。 你们想太多了。。。我已经不在意了。。”

其实， 我还是很介意，也很在意。。 我还是会吃醋。。。我甚至还有一点点怨。。。
看到你们两个。。 心里的眼泪一直在掉。。无论我怎么做都不能使眼泪停止。。。
为何你们伤的我那么深？为何我那么信任你们？为什么到后来受伤的是我？

没有人看好你们两个。。。身边的每一个人都不支持， 甚至给予一些难听的评论，或者对着你们开骂。。。我却心有不忍。。毕竟我们曾经都是朋友，没必要做到那么绝。。我多么想对你们绝情，可是我还是办不到。。。唯有向往常一样。。对着你们笑，以隐藏我内心深处的悲。。。你们可知道，我对你们的每一个笑容其实是我心中的一滴泪。。。
我想。。失去你。。。让我也失去了自己。。。。 T.T


小鱼的悲--- 第一篇

about friday... black day...

friday... was in time for class but had to sacrifice lunch instead...

all went quite well.. went to kfc to ta pau my lunch during break time... n that was when it started...

i ordered takeaway.. while i was halfway up to 1st floor (kfc is in LG floor) i realised that i should hav stayed down there n eat... nvm then...

went to 2nd floor food court n bought a drink... on the way to college (3rd floor) suddenly realised that i had water in my bag.. and that i bought d water so i could eat at d food court... ok then i thought of eating in college... but realised that i can't eat in college.. i mean.. it's weird...

so what could i do? i walked down to my fren's workplace at ground floor... and asked to pinjam her place to eat lunch.. lucky her shop manager was ok with it...

while having lunch... nearly broke down... i realised i hav lost myself... my sense of purpose... my 依靠... my lunch buddy... i lost a lot... nobody was there for me.... i felt so... alone.........

i realised i lost more then a potential bf... i lost a good fren as well... i felt really lost........ i can easily cry when i recall stitch in one scene from "lilo and stitch".. d part where he read through 'ugly duckling' and chanced upon d word 'lost'... "lost... i'm LOST..." i feel for that scene.... i'm really lost... omigod... wat on earth happened to me...

why am i hurting so much? why can't i let go? why am i so lost without him?

these... i need these answers.... why.. why... WHY???

met him online today on msn... chatted like it was d old times... i feel my heart aching... he borrowed a mic fm his hsemate n was sending voice clips... everytime i hear his voice... my heart aches........

why am i so stupid? why can't i just let go? what is WRONG with me???

i'm alone... so alone..........................

boyfriend 挚爱 (edited to suit situation)

I'm sorry for me buggin' you
Sorry for being such a fool
God knows I've tried but I can't let go
I'm crazy 'bout you know who

I'm sorry for me needing you
Sorry guy that you don't feel it too
I get the point, should be ok about it
I've never been good at that - no no
Forgive me for being me
I've tried to let go

Chorus:
I know you got a boyfriend-another man
Another guy by your side
Someone who hopefully treats you right
But you don't know how much I wish that I was
Your girlfriend - that other gal
The only one who's allowed
In your room to lay in your arms at night
Now you don't know how much I wish that I was your girlfriend

I'm sorry for me wanting you
Sorry for not playing by the rules
But what would you do if you were in my shoes
Feeling lost and blue Mmm..

I'm sorry for me lovin' you
sorry for being such a fool
God knows I've tried but I can't let go
I'm crazy 'bout you know who
Forgive me for being me
I've tried to let go

Chorus

Another man is by your side
I hope he treats you right
I wish I was the only one
To lay in your arms at night
Well you can't blame a gal for tryin'
Now what else can I do
And how I wish that my prayers,
Thoughts and dreams
Would become reality

Chorus

uh..untitled...

juz to make up for my long absence from this blog....nothing much to say about cuz insomnia's become the rule rather than the exception these last few weeks or so....

anyway, stpm sux....i've been driving myself crazy...n it sux even more to see ppl all around me taking it easy n many of them doing better than me....but anyway, 2 more papers n it'll b all over...then i can get back to spouting bad poetry here..heheh...

but anyway, wat drove me to blog this entry? sumting rather miraculous happened which called for a major celebration! n since exams r not over yet, i cant go out or anything...so i turn to my old faithful blogs....anyway, for details of this aforementioned event, catch the story at my main blog....

thats all for now guys...n jiah ling..i want to hear ur story..the whole one...:P

a short one...NOT

juz found out that he will be transferring to ASK... ish... (ASK= akademi seni kebangsaan, local uni for performing arts)

i dunno wat to say... i want him to go so that i won't think about him... yet... i want him to stay... my god... y am i so贱?!!?? T.T

very hard la... letting go is hard...

but of course i dun want him to know this.. hehe...

me thinks i should slap myself for being so 下贱...

told myself to let go adee one la...

told myself not to think so much adee la...

but... (==!!!

oh and i drank beer for d past two nights... altogether downed one can of tiger on d 1st day n one small bottle of carlsberg for d 2nd day... found out that carlsberg is nicer then tiger beer lol...

stupid of me right? being so sad while 'they' are probably happily pak thor-ing... my friend was rite.. he said why r u so sad? ur living in sadness caused by them but they don't seem to be sad at all.. in fact they are very happy... so y waste ur energy n sorrows on them???

ya well i'm stupid so sue me...

today met his 'other half' (well i HAD to since we're coursemates.. hell...) in class... and well... i had to say that i did pretty well... cos d guilty looks stolen upon me every now n then made me feel better hehehe... (omigod i sound soooo sick hehe)

谁心虚丫?不是我... siapa termakan cili dialah yang terasa pedas... (hmm.. my Bm is still good hehe)

turns out that 'he' is quite the heart breaker... another gal in pa oso liked him but stopped herself.. lucky her... oh n became his foster mom instead... so i used to call her '岳母大人' haha.. she has already said that she won't approve of their relationship... hah.. so there... she likes me more =P (ok well she can't really do anything oso lol...)

after a brief n unavoidable conversation with u know who, (no NOT lord voldemort lol... oh n we are in d same group.. how sad...) which ended really fast... i aimlessly walked around college... which is actually quite small... T.T then went into the staffroom in pretension of looking for my photography lecturer not once but TWICE.. d interior design lecturer must think i'm crazy lol... but aren't all of us design students a little........

i'm so aimless... i hav nobody to walk around with me... or to eat lunch with.. cos most of d time it's with 'him'... oh no.... now that he's not around.. or won't be around for me.. i'm sooo lonely... lucky pin was kind enough to accompany me.. oh n cockroach too.. (a guy la not a real roach)

now d only thing left is to face 'him'... if i can face 'him'... then i should be ok liao... oh n oso face them together....... which is like d boss lvl hahaha...(influenced by too many games liao haha...)

latest update- seems like he won't be transferring next sem but AFTER next sem... haiyo might as well finish it la... left with 3 sems oso dun wanna finish... memang idiot... =P
reason? in order to get into ASK u need to audition... seems that if ur not 'geng' enough they won't let u in... so he's kinda worried bout that... btw he's gonna study dance in ASK... as opposed to performing arts in our college..

juz wondering...... are Performing Arts guys all THAT weird...... i mean... gavin yap is weird too....but he's HOT!!! lol... (if u dunno who he is then it's apparent u dun watch theatre at d actors' studio =P) ok.. terpesong. paiseh....

oook.. wateva... i'm still a hopelessly lost case... T.T

i guess that's all for now................

hiding place

i think this shall be my little hiding place... since i doubt 'somebody' will come over this dead bloggy to read stuff... or even anybody for that matter... T.T

this shall be my safe haven... my place to express my feelings... my sadness... my confusion... etc....

i need it.. cos 'he' knows my blogspot add.. n friendster... well.. u all know they are annoying rite =P

this will be the place for me to hide some things i dun want him to know about... how i am feeling rite now... i know... i'm being a coward... but i dun care haha...

sry for claiming this blog as mine.. but it will only be temporary... at least until my life n my feelings are back to normal... support me guys...k?

insomnia strikes again...

sleepless nights due to friendship campur relationship problems..
sigh...

i learnt d truth last saturday... n couldn't sleep until 5am... d next day... 3am... i hate it when i can't get enough sleep... T.T

y can't life be simpler...

y can't it happen one by one... either friendship problems or relationship problems...

but nooooo... both of them HAD to come in one huge nicely wrapped up package...

but at least i hav learnt a lot...

and i hav another absurd n ironic life story to blog about...

but not now...

now, i will be emo-ing...

after that... i blog...

let's try to make sure d comments pass 50 this time =P

p.s- tst, i think u would like this story of mine... lol